Hi EYD! Today's post is by Shivani Gutta and discusses the balance between American and Indian identities, and the struggles she encountered through her journey. She takes us through childhood memories and realizations she has come through over the years. We hope you enjoy reading!
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One issue that I think a lot of American born Indians face is having 2 different identities, and hating one of them. You have your American self that eats fast food, listens to Drake, and watches Tom Holland fly across your screen in movies. Then you have your Indian self that eats idlis and dosas for breakfast, listens to Devi Sri Prasad, and watches Prabhas fight Rana in a movie.
You have 2 different ways of saying your name: the Indian way that your parents and all aunties and uncles call you, and your American way, that your teachers and white friends call you. Let’s face it, almost all Indians have had their name messed up by a teacher or classmate. Many people choose to just go along with the “American version” of their name. I have just gone along with the way teachers say it at school.
As a little kid, I always hated my name and that I was Indian. I used to always think: Why can’t I have a name that’s easier to say? Why can’t my parents be normal? Why can’t I eat pasta or a sandwich for lunch instead of roti? Why do my parents make me wear Indian clothes, can’t I just wear a T-shirt? I would often be so embarrassed by the fact that I was Indian.
To make things worse I went to a school that had like 3 South Indians and 20 North Indians. I started to accept the fact that I was Indian, and that I couldn’t change that. However, I would always look at the North Indian kids at my school and think "Why can’t I at least have lighter skin like them?" At least I wouldn’t look so Indian, and so different. I used to apply Fair and Lovely or FairEver creams to my face almost every day.
Then one morning when I went to put on these creams, I decided to read the back of the Fair and Lovely tube. I learned that those creams were packed with carcinogens. They even had bleach in them.
I stopped using these creams, realizing that to make my skin lighter, I was using a strong product that wasn’t meant for anybody’s skin.
I started embracing the fact that I had darker skin and stopped trying to change the way I look.
As I was beginning to embrace it, I moved to a predominantly white school, where I had to start all over again. I hated the fact that my mom would pack me rice for lunch instead of pizza and chips like everybody else. I had always loved Indian food. All my life I’ve loved eating spicy food. However, trying to be like everybody else made it seem like I hated Indian food. I always loved to eat chicken curry and rice at home with my brother and sister. But, all of a sudden it came to a point where I stopped eating the food that my mom packed me for school. The only days I would eat lunch was when my mom packed a sandwich or pasta. Otherwise, I just completely skipped lunch that day.
I would pretend to be interested in things that my white friends liked and I would just say that I liked the same type of stuff they liked, which I sometimes did. But most of the time I didn’t. They would be talking about how they went to the beach over the weekend and how fun it was. When they asked what I did over the weekend I would always respond with something like “I just stayed home” or “I hung out with some friends”. In reality, though, I went to an Indian family friend’s house and had a lot of fun.
Many white people, in general, don’t know about South Indian culture because even in India, it is considered tribal and not modern. Many people know about Holi, but not many people know about Bathukamma. South Indians are stereotyped to eat only idli and sambar. They’re considered darker, uglier, smarter, and not modern. People only considered Hindi or “Indian” when they thought about India’s language.
While Hindi is the national language, it isn’t the oldest and definitely not the only language in India. When I told people that I speak Telugu, they would always ask if that was an actual language. South Indians are so underrated. One of my friends who’s Punjabi once told me that she thought being South Indian was a religion.
Many American born Indians struggle with the need to fit in, and I still do. But what I’ve learned through the years is that we all have our differences. The best thing we can do for ourselves is embrace them.
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