Hi everyone! Today's post is by Fatima Nadeem, who discussed her internal and external struggles with weight-loss, wearing a hijab, and pleasing those around her. It's definitely a topic that a lot of us can relate to, and one that is extremely important to talk about.
We hope you enjoy and learn from this post! If you would like to write for us, please email empoweringyourdesi@gmail.com, or DM us on Instagram @empoweringyourdesi! I will actually check my messages this time, I promise :)
After returning from our annual trip to Pakistan, I felt like a new person, and looked like one too. In the span of a month and a half I had managed to lose 10+ pounds. At first I wasn’t losing weight on purpose but as time started to go by I realized restricting my caloric intake had become a habit. Much of this encouragement to continue losing weight came from my fellow Pakistanis. For once, I was actually being told I was beautiful and everyone wanted to look like me. Even aunties were complimenting me on my weight loss, and this made me feel overwhelmed with joy as for years, I had always been the chubby one. Many of my friends, and even their mothers had always teased me and though I would laugh it off, it began to start affecting me more and more.
I started to feel pressured. Now, I had to maintain this weight or else I wouldn’t continue to receive compliments. I was enjoying this new attention and wanted to continue it for as long as I could. This is where everything started.
This is where I began to feel that I was solely existing to please others, because that was one of my only sources of joy.
Around this time, I also took a big step as a Muslim. I began to wear the hijab. With my confidence having already been down the drain, I now felt very self conscious as well. My friends began to give me looks I hadn’t received before. They seemed more cautious around me and I felt like they were trying too hard to act “normal.” Thankfully though, I never received any major discrimination and over time began to feel less and less self conscious about my hijab.
But, wearing the hijab isn’t just covering your hair. You have to play the part as well.
I had to show everyone I was a good Muslim. I began to feel more pressure again as I realized I was letting my prayers slip past me and wasn’t even fazed by it. I was also continuing to restrict my caloric intake and it was beginning to take a toll on my body. I felt cold all the time and lost my period. My hair was falling out and I began wearing the hijab everywhere to cover it up. Even at girls-only parties. I felt embarrassed but at least I was getting attention.
Soon enough, I became the desi kid everyone’s moms compared them to. It felt rewarding but at the same time, I felt even more pressure. My parents didn’t acknowledge my accomplishments as much as I wished they would because they were used to me being an overachiever. I felt the need to impress them more so they could be even more proud of me. I wanted to go above and beyond for them so I worked hard day and night. I would study to the point where I couldn't accept anything lower than a 95. I began to not even be able to accept even the slightest mistake.
I felt so much pressure from aunties, my parents, and others, but most of the pressure came from myself.
I realized I was torturing myself. Why was I hurting myself physically and mentally? It would only do harm to me. I realized it was okay to aim to please people, but that shouldn’t be my main concern.
I know I’ll never be good enough for everyone. but that’s okay, because eventually I realized I was good enough for myself. After having this realization I began to slowly work on myself. I started by eating more and telling myself that it was okay to make mistakes as long as I was able to learn from them. Little did I know that doing all that to myself was a huge mistake. I have now learned from this mistake, and can smile a real smile. Although I’m still growing, I can truly say I am happy, and you should be too. Always.