Hi EYD! Today's post is by Nitya Tripathi, who discusses the journey and obstacles behind her truly loving, accepting and owning Desi culture. She describes her experiences as a young child and describes her growth and We hope you enjoy reading! If you would like to contribute, please email us at empoweringyourdesi@gmail.com or DM us @empoweringyourdesi!
I’m a 17 year old desi girl (half Punjabi, half UP) born in New Delhi, India, who grew up in America as part of the so-called first generation. So you might see me as a dreamer, but I actually came here legally. Over time, one of the main struggles I’ve had while growing up is learning to balance my culture along with trying to fit in with everyone else. And quite frankly, I think I’ve gotten to a point where I can say I’ve successfully achieved to do so. But I’ll be honest - it wasn’t until recently that I fully accepted my culture and could genuinely say that I was proud to be Indian.
When my mom and I flew to America to join my dad who was already there on a work visa, I was only two years old. So as you can imagine, I don’t have many vivid memories of the short time I lived in India. However, I do remember that when I started elementary school in America, I didn’t care much about what others thought of me. There were several days on which I proudly wore a bindi and full sleeves of mehendi to school. I should also mention the area in which I went to elementary school had a predominantly white population, meaning I was often known as “the Indian girl” in my classes. Because I was so naive at the time, the thought of people judging me because I looked different didn’t seem like a possibility. Over time, I started to become more aware of the glares, whispers, and points which would occur around me. And then came the comments.
Other kids would start saying things like: “Why do you wear a weird dot on your forehead,” “Ew why would you draw all over your hands with an orange marker,” and “Who even wears that?”
At first, these remarks didn’t faze me, but over time I allowed them to consume me and as a result, I hated my appearance more and more every single day.
By the time I got to middle school, I’d moved to a more diverse area, but was so ashamed of my culture that I even dreaded telling others where I was born and forced my mom to buy me new clothes. I tried so hard to fit in that I didn’t realize I was slowly losing myself in the process. My parents started to notice my insecure nature, and tried their best to reassure me. They told me I didn’t have to hide from anyone, that I should simply be confident in who I am. But I somehow could never accept compliments from others, because I wasn’t aware of my own worth. People’s comments on my appearance slowly ate away at my confidence, making me desperately wish I could just look like the generic popular white girl.
I remember longing for blonde hair, blue eyes, and fair skin because that’s what I perceived as beautiful at the time.
Middle school was my prime time of insecurity, because as we all know that’s when you undergo the most changes. Boys would tell me my arms were too hairy. Girls would tell me my eyebrows were too bushy and my hair was frizzy. I remember coming home from school one day and feeling so defeated that I begged my mom to let me get a full body wax, get my eyebrows threaded, and straighten my hair. And I already know every single brown girl can remember this particular moment where they feel so desperate to get these treatments done and change their appearance but they’re simply told, “Not right now, wait until you’re older.” As a result, we all suffer through this awkward phase, finding it so hard to be confident in our own skin.
During this time in middle school, I started learning several forms of dance- primarily Bollywood dance. I met so many amazing girls through the classes I would take and performances I would participate in. We were all brown girls going through similar struggles, and soon enough they felt like family. I think we made each other realize we were all there for one another, and eventually I was able to feel less alone. As I was going through the process of learning choreography to Hindi songs and repeatedly going on stage in traditional Indian costumes, I started to regain appreciation for my culture. I mean, I think it’s pretty self explanatory. The dance forms which originated in India are absolutely unique and beautiful, along with the intricate clothing that often takes numerous hours to design and construct.
I can confidently say dance deserves most of the credit for making me realize I shouldn’t hide my culture.
Although I was becoming more in touch with my culture once again, at this point in time I still preferred to keep my involvement in cultural activities to myself. Whenever I had an upcoming performance, I would hesitate to ask my friends to buy tickets to come see it. I had so many preconceived notions.Instead of owning up to loving what I do, I immediately assumed I’d get judged for it and people would think I was weird.
It wasn’t until high school that I openly advertised my performances and told people I was learning Indian dance styles. I became comfortable with sending my friends pictures of me in traditional clothing and posting them on social media. I realized that throughout this whole time, I was seeking the approval of others. I was relying on their acceptance to make me feel like I could love my culture. However, when I got to high school I developed a much stronger sense of self identity, and realized that approval needed to come from within myself.
I couldn’t rely on other people for their validation when I didn’t even give myself validation.
Losing valuable friendships and relationships came with this process, but I realized if someone doesn’t accept me for who I am, I shouldn’t want them in my life anyways.
In the beginning of high school, I left the Bollywood dance company I was a part of, as I wanted to branch out and learn other styles of dance. Because I’m half Punjabi, I decided to learn Bhangra. I’m now well trained in Bollywood, Bhangra, Hip-hop, and Contemporary. I’ve also explored some Kathak, Garba, and Dandiya. After countless hours of practices and performances, I decided to do some experimentation of my own and choreographed a few dance pieces for younger kids to perform at Indian functions. This not only further improved my skills, but it made me so happy to give other kids an outlet to explore their culture as well.
This was also the time when my mom finally let me get those treatments done and I outgrew my “awkward stage.” I was seeing more South Asian representation in the media, and gained more confidence. After some time, I no longer surrounded myself with people who drained me mentally and instead focused on creating genuine, long lasting friendships with people who I know will stick with me through thick and thin.
It was amusing to me how quickly and drastically beauty standards have changed. Now, girls want naturally thick brows, long eyelashes, voluminous hair, and tan skin.
Not to mention, popular celebrities started culturally appropriating South Asian culture by wearing henna, wearing maang tikkas (specifically Kim Kardashian), and getting nose piercings. By no means is there anything wrong with experimenting with your looks, but it’s upsetting to me how quickly the media can go from ridiculing Desi girls for proudly presenting their culture to deciding that it’s actually quite stunning- just not on us. I know I speak for all brown girls when I say that the same girls who made fun of us for our bold features and rich skin are now the ones wishing they could have them. People always want what they don’t have. Girls with straight hair feel like they need to curl it for special occasions, while the girls with curly/wavy hair bust out their flat irons.
This is why it’s so important to realize that the ideals of beauty are constantly shifting, and life is simply too short to not be proud of your culture. Learn your native language. Every so often, take part in cultural events. Don’t be afraid to tell people where you come from. I can promise you that the people in your life who truly care about you won’t turn their back on you for doing these things.
P.S. Make sure to check out Nitya's podcast "dear desi girls." She introduces it below and I've linked it there as well!
I realized recently that I’ve been having these conversations with several other Desi girls who share similar stories and beliefs as me. A few weeks ago, I saw a TikTok in which a girl asked everyone who saw it to drop their instagram in the comments, because she wanted to create a group chat with other brown girls. I didn’t think she would see my comment, as it already had hundreds of them, but she did, because a few days later I was added to a group chat with other brown girls from across America. Some of us decided that there should be a bigger platform for Desi girls growing up in America as the first generation. We started a podcast that aims to make girls like us feel less alone while educating society on common issues we have been facing. We also hope that through sharing our stories, we can be the big sisters for younger girls that we always wanted growing up.
You can check out “dear desi girls” on Spotify, or on any other platform that you use to listen to podcasts. Some of the topics we will be discussing in future episodes are colorism, cultural appropriation, gender discrimination, mental health, and the stigma around divorce.
Comentarios